MyFace

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DIE
By David Roche

Many baby boomers nearing the cusp of geezerdom are confused and concerned about what happens after death.

I can be of help. I have been studying the afterlife since being under the tutelage of the good sisters at Our Lady of Grace School in the 1950s.

Death itself may be a source of concern for you. Get over it. It is not so bad. It is what happens just before death (e.g., cardiac arrest, poisoning, removal of ventilator) that is often rather unpleasant. And according to Sister Mary Wenceslaus, the aftermath of death can be pretty distressing, too.

DEAD ON ARRIVAL: MANGIA, MANGIA.

The nuns were very clear that the first thing that happens when you die is that you have to finish all the food you wasted in your life. Don’t say you weren’t warned.

So let’s review the postdeath consumer choices you have after you are done eating.

RETRO VERSION

HELL: The most likely eventuality.

You probably chose hell long ago. Yes, you did. You’ve known it all along.

But it is no longer called Hell! Due to the influx of a better class of people who are interested in maintaining property values, it is now known as Lower Paradise Estates. You will find exclusive areas such as “Demon Oaks” and “Festering Ridge.” They are not gated communities, as Lower Paradise Estates itself is a form of gated community. It’s a buyer’s market right now, with lots of creative financing opportunities.

You’ll be pleased to know that a section of Hell has been preserved. It’s called “Old Hell,” and retains the quaint charm portrayed so well by Dante and Hieronymus Bosch. Be sure to schedule some time there (actually, it will be scheduled for you). The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse lead a parade through Old Hell every evening. They drive Hummers, dragging newly arrived CEOs behind them. At the new bowge for anal retentives, you can watch them clutch at postits dangling just out of reach.

Give up on trying to avoid hell. That is a lot of wasted effort. Instead, I advise you to spend time and energy developing as much endurance, stoicism and self-discipline as you can muster. Yes, you still will be covered with flaming boils for all eternity, but you will be a little more able to scream “one day at a time,” and other positive affirmations.

PURGATORY: Hell with a shelf life.

Purgatory is where you go if you die with relatively minor sins on your soul. Of course this is impossible, so purgatory is pretty much only a concept.

After all this time, there are only 34 people in purgatory. Those are the ones who dropped dead as they left the confessional, with no time to even think about committing new and exciting mortal sins. The bad news is that the suffering in purgatory is just as bad as in hell. Eternal flame, red hot pokers up your butt, the whole bit. The good news is that when you have suffered enough, you go up to heaven. However—you are not the one who gets to say, “I have suffered enough.” Somebody else does that, either God or someone he has appointed. I think it is probably one of the nuns from grade school. They had a pretty good sense of how much suffering one deserved.

Well, actually, you could say, “I have suffered enough.” You probably would be saying that constantly in purgatory. Or screaming it, rather.

Also, purgatory ends on Judgment Day. After Judgment Day there is only heaven or hell. So the luckiest people are the ones who die and go to purgatory the night before Judgment Day.

LIMBO: cancelled due to lack of interest.

Limbo used to be up there in the sky somewhere a little east of purgatory. It was a nondescript place where unbaptized babies went to wait until Judgment Day. They just waited there. Not happy, not sad. They were “in limbo.” That’s where the expression comes from. Think of a dog kennel for souls. Recently, the Catholic Church announced that there had been a misunderstanding and there was no Limbo. I don’t know what happens to the souls of the unbaptized babies now.

HEAVEN: the desired outcome.

The best thing about heaven, according to the nuns, was that you got to be in the presence of God for all eternity. Which seemed a little boring to me. The Mickey Mouse Club had an “Anything Can Happen Day” on Wednesdays—surely God could muster up something similar. Anyway, my vision of God at that point was of a cranky old bipolar alcoholic with a club behind his back and a forced smile on his face. Who wanted to be in his presence?

The other thing about heaven: people there get to look down upon the people in hell. Which is the most enjoyable thing about heaven. If you go out on the deck in heaven and look down, there they are. Covered with boils, skin blistering, body parts bursting into flame. Just what they deserve. They are all screaming for mercy. They look up at the people in heaven. They beg for a drop of water to ease their pain. They beg you to go pee on them. Really. They would love that. They think it would be much better than burning up. Don’t bother, though, because the pee evaporates on the way down.

NEW OPTIONS

REINCARNATION: Please leave my Blackberry in the coffin.

Catholics don’t believe in reincarnation. Instead, we have confession, where sins are forgiven immediately. Why wait until another lifetime? You don’t carry the guilt forward as if they were minutes on your cell phone plan. Another disadvantage to selecting reincarnation: your to do list adheres to your soul no matter what.

THE BARDO: Hell for type A personalities.

My understanding is that Buddhists believe that immediately after death, everything is the same except you have no body. You are wandering around in the air, same feelings, same desires. You are hungry but you can’t eat. You are horny but your sex organs are kind of misty and transparent.

That’s the definitive thumbnail guide to the afterlife. Clean your plate thoroughly.

End

This entry was posted on Tuesday, October 14th, 2008 at 5:11 pm and is filed under Funny. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.